The title fits my feeling for the last 3 days,,, Very low spirit. Why?
I just make a decision,,, that I didn't predicted before that it's gonna be this tough to handle. Involved with some guy, yes. Boyfriend, nope. Not reach that level yet.
So I have a boyfriend before, who I called Mr. Frog, about a year ago. Didn't last for long and we broke up. Around November 2010, I met a guy. Just call him, Mr. Bear (gosh I have to get rid of this habit, calling guy with cute animals name). We met through our mutual friends.
Me and Mr. Bear shared some liking in food and music, considering some of my friend told me that I have weird taste in music. We can discussed many things and sometimes we forget that it's late at night. We also explore some places who have delicious food (oh it's street food, by the way).
"Well he's your boyfriend, then?" some of you may ask. Unfortunately, nope. WTH??
Yeah, he asked me to have a serious relationship with him, which I declined. He stopped asking at the 5th attempt and I kept declined. I even asked him like this, "You asked 5 times and said no 5 times. Why you didn't run?"
Here's what he said (hope my brain not mess me up):
"I didn't run because I feel comfortable with you. I understand if you declined, but I'm not giving up. I just drop the topics. For now."
I was like,,, okay. So we continue our "close-but-not-yet-in-a-relationship" relationship kind of thing. I said no to him because of 2 reasons. First, I don't think I'm fit enough to be in a relationship again. Yeah, my heart broke pretty bad. A little trauma from my side, you can say. Second, I do feel comfortable to have him as my friend. That's it. Yeah I know that you will say I'm crazy. What can I say, my blood type is AB and we have weird behavior tendencies hehehe.
He always told me his dreams, his future. Some of his dreams really bothered me. His dreams about future, with me in it. I started to worry a bit. Then came the bomb. He said he wants to get married when he is 34 years (which is 6 years from now). But he don't mind if he's getting married in 2012.
That's it! I couldn't stand it anymore. I called our "friendship" off! Back in Sunday 30/10 I told him my decision. He kept asking why...
Every time I heard his dreams, I kinda worry. He made a hint that I'm part of his dreams. Dreams about marriage, family, kids. To be honest, it's freaking me out because it's not my priorities for the next 2 years. I do want to get married and I do want to have a family. But not now. I'm totally worried.
I'm worry that I'm standing between him and his dreams. He clearly stated that he wants me as his partner for entire life. I know his family already asked him to get married, and he said no. Although he didn't tell the reason, some of his reason is me. He's waiting for me.
Last Sunday 30/10 I went to coffee shop. With iPod in my ears, a cup of coffee and book, I tried to enjoy the cozy environment. When I looked out the window, it was raining. Suddenly, his words about marriage filled my head. I couldn't get rid of it. So I put my book and started to think.
"I can't do this to him. I can't be selfish," that's what I thought. Unconsciously, he became prisoner because of my selfishness. Just because I don't want to get married now, doesn't mean he's not getting married as well. My brain kinda complicated, I know. I never push him to stay with me. I even encourage him to find other woman, but he said no.
You all must be thinking that I'm crazy because I wasted that kind of guy. There's a guy wants to marry me, but I kept saying no. Something's off in my brain, for sure. But maybe you can read it in this post, to know more about how my brain thinks and my heart feels about marriage.
So that night we met, and I told him what I've been thinking. In short, we should end this. I said to him I don't want to stand between him and his dreams, which is family. His reaction?
Silence. Total silence.
He's just looked at me, shock expression. I started to cry, tears running down my face while I explained why I decided this. He held my hand and asked for a chance. He promised not to bring this topic ever. He said just want to be with me. I just cried harder and held his hand tighter. After minutes of silence, Mr Bear finally said, "Okay I give up. If that's what you want."
That Sunday is our last meeting. When I arrived at my room, I sent a message, thanked him for everything. He replied with pleading for another chance. I took a deep breath before replied back to him saying have a good sleep. Then I myself went to sleep.
On Monday 31/10 my eyes have swollen because of crying. My friends asked about it, and I just gave them "the look" and they understood. Miserable Monday for me. My eyes kept watery all day long. The worse part, he still sent me messages, until today. Say all what you
My heart feel so heavy. That's why I'm taking my compensation leave from today until tomorrow. I happened to be booked a nice hotel. I brought my books and cross-stitch. Hopefully I can get some inner peace. Wish me luck!!!
PS. My family is going to kill me once they read this entry HAHAHA
Just an ordinary girl that living the extraordinary life with her extraordinary family and friends